When Changing Your Mind is Not a bad Thing: That Time I Called Off My Wedding

Photo credit: 123RF 0 January 23, 2017 By Dang

There is nothing worse than staring at your wedding date on a calendar and having that deep sense of doom in your heart. For me, it was a sinking feeling, a feeling of resignation, I kept telling myself, “just go ahead with it, everything will be okay”. There was a time I wrote an article about being over 30, desperate and worried, I also said I have been there. This is my story

I met my ex fiancée 8 months before he proposed. I was getting close to 30, I had set a date for myself, come rain or high water, I would be married by age 30. So when this guy came along, I told myself, this is it! I must make this work. He was not my ideal guy, but experience had taught me then, “who ideal guy help?”

So I went ahead and dated him. I was ashamed to take him to parties because his grammar was deeply flawed, I would correct him nicely when we’re alone together but cringe inwards when we’re out with company because it would be rude to say anything. He also had insecurity issues, he felt I was too much for him and would break up with him soon to be with another man who is/was worthy, so he began to lie about his net worth. If he was worth a hundred, he would lie to me he was worth 10 million. I noticed these things, but patched them up because I had to get married at 30

On my part, I couldn’t bring myself to respect him. I was more ambitious, and he had all these plans but never really did anything about them. if I did really love him, I was supposed to be patient and help him achieve his dreams, which I tried to do but i would have done better if I respected him, trusted him and was genuinely in love with him

On my 30th birthday, I had a birthday dinner and when he was his turn to speak, I was shaking inwards, I knew he was going to propose and instead of excitement, I was scared. I sunk in my already flat tummy, wiped my sweaty palms on my green dress and prepared myself. When he began his speech, my eyes were already teary, I braced myself. Someone had told me, “love grows, if he loves you so much, you’ll eventually start loving him back”. I held on to that, and accepted the ring

Eventually, I made up my mind that this was my cross to bear, this guy loved me too much and he would never leave me, so whatever happens, I would make things work. The lies continued and the assurance that I would never leave him, he asked me to promise him this at least two times a week, I indulged him. This continued even after our family introduction, on that day, I cried again. My closest friends were with me and I still didn’t feel safe, my dad got all the brunt as I lashed out at him and wished my mum was around. I was throwing tantrums, because I couldn’t bear to look inwards and tell myself to stop the process

We began the wedding preparations: We paid for the hall, got a wedding planner, paid in full for a popular comedian as the MC, I had bought tickets to travel for wedding shopping and dress picking appointments with three wedding dress makers including Vera Wang. My friends had also paid a substantial sum for Aso-Ebi. Asides from the money spent, a lot of people had invested themselves in this process. It was during this process, two months to the wedding, I caught him in another HUGE lie.

Initially I never thought of calling off the wedding, I told myself to look away, this too will pass. But when I could not sleep that night and began to pray, it dawned on me that this would be my life. Sleepless nights, unhappiness, lack of trust, crying and praying to calm the storm I created, the possibilities of cheating on my part and the expectation of cheating on his part. I thought about people and money that had been invested, I almost changed my mind but God strengthened my resolve

I told him it was over. He tried to beg me to reconsider but even he couldn’t put much effort into it. My family, his family and our friends tried to convince me to change my mind, but when I began to refund people’s Aso-Ebi money, they finally accepted there was not going to be a wedding that year. I felt complete relief, like a heavy load had suddenly being lifted off me. Were there moments of remorse and regret? Yes. But they passed quickly, because I had never been more sure of a decision

If you are reading this and you are thinking about calling off your wedding, I hope that you are able to make the right decision for yourself — and for nobody else. Not your partner. Not his or her family. Not for your parents — but for you.TWEET THIS QOUTE

And if you are reading this and have already called off your wedding, you need to know that everything will be okay. It probably does not feel like it today, and it may not even feel like it tomorrow, or a week from now, or six months from now. You will hurt. You will feel painfully lonely. You might feel humiliated. But, everything will eventually be okay, I know this for a fact!

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33 comments on “When Changing Your Mind is Not a bad Thing: That Time I Called Off My Wedding

  1. Anonymous

    This is my story even though am just 23 but I had to make the decision and my parents and his are yet to come to terms with it but who cares….it’s my marriage not theirs. To whoever is holding on to pain for the fear if being lonely May God help you to make the right decisions and let u know he has better plans for you.




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  2. Yele

    That should have been my story but i was too timid, I didn’t want to hurt the people invested in the whole process….
    Almost 3 years on…., I walked out of the marriage, heads held high up, wish i had done it sooner.
    The greatest decision of my life!!!!

    Ladies, lets be true to ourselves and not be people pleasing, it never really helps.
    Mistakes will be made, but be quick to realise your mistake, dust yourself off and start over.

    The Heavens would not fall, if you wait for the one, who you can fulfil purpose together.




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    1. Yele

      Dont be scared, just sincerely enjoy being single serving God.
      Through serving God sincerely, he would direct you into your purpose…
      Your husband is in your purpose.




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  3. Jay

    A bad marriage is the worst thing that can happen to anyone, especially when you know bfr you get into it. I’m happy for you you took the decision when you did…




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  4. Anonymous

    I never got to the wedding part !I had dated him for six years. Six years of dealing with insecurity, no ambition whatsoever (he just leached unto my ambitions and turned it in a we thing) just because I was scared of being alone. last year, I took a leap of faith and decided being single was better than the relationship I had. I broke it off, gradually became happy and confident with my single status and two months later, I met the love of my life. I am getting married come October. Sometimes, I sit still and imagine how miserable I would have been if i had continued that relationship and I thank God. I dodged a bullet!




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  5. Titi (Mrs.O)

    That was a very tough one but thank God you did…it’s better to get the whole shame before marriage than after marriage.




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  6. Anonymous

    I wish I had the strength you had… I wish I wouldn’t care so much about how it’ll affect my parents, I wish I had the strength to fight for the one I truly love…. I cried the night before my intro because I knew it was what my parents wanted not what I wanted…. At the end of the day, I’m just that girl who when her parents say ‘jump’, I ask ‘how high’




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    1. Mimi

      It will be really hard but you have to find the strength within yourself to do the right thing for you. Your parents’ happiness is secondary and nothing compared to the misery you will live with for the rest of your life. They are living their life, start living yours.




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    2. Anonymous

      I promise you that if your parents reasoning for you marrying this individual is based on their own selfish reason… And be real with your self. Are they disregarding your feelings and completely indulged in what is good for them or the name of the family? If so, I promise you that God himself will not be upset at you for leaving. If you are religious, or spiritual, consult God in this matter. Wake up at midnight and beg your God to bring all good towards you and separate you from all evil. Fasting will also help.

      Peace and blessings Love!




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  7. Anonymous

    This is sooo true my dear. Dated my Ex for five years & definitely saw the signs of Emotional abuse early enough & I continued praying to God for a change. I had lots of sleepiness nights & several therapy sessions with psychologists regarding his anger & emotional abuse but I held on to toxic relationship for the fear of loneliness. The moment I found courage within me to walk away from the toxic relationship, God Almighty sent my Lovely Husband my way & now I experience peace, happiness & Love like never before.




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  8. Me

    I was in a likewise relationship. I said “it is only English he can’t speak now” “he is angry he isn’t naturally violent” “maybe I made him insult me, I wouldn’t do that again ” and many more excuses until my scales fell off. 23 and so pressured? Over what?
    2 years down after kissing frogs, Prince Charming is here. Every girls dream man. The Bible encourages that we be anxious for nothing, because God has us covered. I pray for sisters in the bondage of “so I will start afresh” let go! Let God!!!!!!!!!!




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  9. Anonymous

    I clocked thirty last month and I was also after the marriage chase. I told myself I must be married before 30. I tried desperately to make relationships work, not knowing I was killing it with my one goal: I must be married before 30.There was pressure on me to date a guy that has been on my case for almost 5 years, I have tried but I just don’t feel the same way he does. People tell me its better to marry someone that loves you more than you love him. But i know I would just be settling and I certainly do not want that . I am 30 now unmarried, but I have gained so much clarity through the word of God than I have in all my life. Now I’ve learnt to be fine by myself, to stop comparing my life with others, to let go and let God, for his word says to seek him first and all things will be added to me. I am happier than i have been in years. It’s amazing.




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  10. Beauh

    Hmmmmmmm this is me is me last year,we got engaged but somehow I knew there was something missing somewhere. I just didn’t have the peace I needed and somehow I sensed something fishy going on and called the engagement off only to realize he had gotten his ex gf pregnant and they were getting married barely two months after our breakup.




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  11. b

    i wish i was like you….i stood at the alter begging God to forgive me, i cried everyday after. he was so in love with me and i only care for him as i would care for a stranger, i did not love him and heknew cos i never said it but he still wanted to be with me. i said to my self he really love me i will fall in love with him when we get married and he shows love to our children.
    we a had a child and he hated the child and only wanted me, he did not want to play with his own son, at that stage i knew i had made the biggest mistake of my life and there was no way to fix it . i had to walk away from the marriage and he still till date does not want to see his child all he wants is me. i hate myself because i wasn’t bold enough to walk away when it was just me and now i have to explain to my child why he doesn’t have his father in his life




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  12. Ore

    I’ll be 32 in May and i’m Single and my God it is tough..honestly it is especially when you haven’t been in a relationship in a very long time. I’m having a fabulous career and all and i’m honestly at the point of settling. You know when you have a good guy that loves God and all and ‘loves you more’ as they say men should; is caring e.t.c but you just don’t gel. No chemistry; No intimacy/bonding, and you’re like God he’s a Christian, he loves me, loves you and will take care of me and you just can’t go through with it…… but no ‘Yes’ is coming in your spirit…..I receive strength from your story not go through with it. Thanks for sharing




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  13. God's princess

    I broke off an engagement after a year of emotional abuse. he made me feel that he was doing me a favour by proposing to me. we could not have a decent conversation without him saying I was rude, disrespectful and insolent. he even told me towards the end that I was too learned for my own good. I kept making excuses for him that it was because he was a product of a broken home and several broken relationships. it got to a point where I would cry all through the night then take my bath,dress well, wear my engagement ring and fake smiles at work. i was limited to work,church and my apartment. Any relationship whatsoever,with the opposite sex was dissected and questioned.I had to ask myself… Is getting married worth losing my peace of mind and self esteem? I prayed and had to talk myself into breaking up with him. i also got wise counsel from a pastor-mentor and a family friend. he asked people to beg on his behalf but I was adamant.
    Fast forward to now (1yr post breakup), I’m married to the best man in the world. he keeps asking where I was hiding when he was searching… lol. I av peace of mind. I am happy. I love this man to bits and hold what we have as sacred.
    my lesson is… it’s never to late to start all over again. u may be an answered prayer for someone out there rather than a pain in the ass for the present bae.




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  14. mairo

    Hmmm… I had a dream of a happy life filled with love and kids. So I held on to the one that I was with. I was emotionally abused, cheated on constantly but I held on. I said if I leave him who will I be with? I didn’t want to be alone.One day, just one day I was tired . I told my self enough is enough and I walked out. I felt like a heavy load was off my shoulders, I hadn’t realized how much effort I was putting into holding on to this relationship. I felt lighter and happier and I haven’t looked back since then.




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